Little Red Riding Hood, where have you been?
“To the high tower, to paint it bright green
I met up with Cinders and Hansel & Gretel
Who joined in the painting of brickwork and metal
A little while later, Pinocchio turned up
Stirring the paint with his nose, mucky pup!
The colours, they mingled, from one to another
And, one of the Three Pigs mistook his own brother!
For a navy blue statue – oh, how we laughed!
When Buttons joined in, and then had to be bathed!
He splashed and he lathered and threw water about
Causing lots of merriment, laughing and shouts
But, Billy Goat Gruff, he got in a mood
When, soggy and messy, got the basket of food
Then, behind the tower, an orchard we found
Where lovely red apples had fallen to the ground
We munched and we feasted – each filled our belly
Then Humpty Dumpty discovered some wobbly jelly
That was safe, undamaged, in the soppy wet hamper
Though the rest of the food, it was left slightly damper!
Wandering along, was Little Bo Peep
She told us she’d passed an Ogre – the creep
Who took about twenty and four of her lamb
He thought they were bacon, or honeydew ham!
Despairing, was she – oh, what could she do?
Her flock numbers dwindling – missing a few
Rapunzel suggested we all go along
To see the Ogre, and sing it a song
“A song!” Said the Three Bears, “what good would that be?”
The Ogre, at us, he would laugh with such glee
“That is the point”, said Rapunzel, with flair
And, flamboyantly, tossed back her long golden hair
“If he thinks we are funny and laughs at us so
It will give us a chance to distract him, you know
And, when he’s not looking, all of us will
Grab hold of a lamb each and run for the hill”
“Great idea”, said the Woodcutter, “I think it might work”
“Yes”, said Goldilocks,"'cos that Ogre’s a berk!
Remember that time, when the Gingerbread Man
Told him a joke about a new hunting ban?”
“Yes!” Laughed Tom Thumb, “I remember it well
The Ogre was aghast – and over he fell
Kicking and screaming and hammering his fist
On the ground, with such fury – you all get the gist?”
The Pied Piper remembered another such time
When the Ogre was fooled, whilst committing a crime
“He was fishing for fairies along the creek riverbank
Took fright at his own reflection, fell in, and then sank!”
Puss in Boots, passing by, said with such glee
“Hello there Ogre, in some trouble, are thee?”
And the Ogre, he roared and he spat at the cat
Who ran away, sniggering, whilst waving his hat
At a passing stagecoach, with Prince Charming inside
Puss in Boots wanted to gossip, whilst hitching a ride
“And, there was that time”, said Old Mother Hubbard
“When he wore those new clothes, which he stole from my cupboard”
“We remember”, said the Blind Mice, “he thought he looked swell
But, the clothing was ladies, he just couldn’t tell!”
“Yes, well”, said Bo Peep, “all this talking is fine
But, can we get on and recover what’s mine?”
“Yes”, we all said, “we must go without haste
For the Ogre will be hungry – there’s no time to waste”
We found the Ogre teasing Quasimodo
The poor lad was making excuses to go
He’s very shy and gets picked on a lot
And, the Ogre’s a bully, he doesn’t care a jot
About whom he offends – he just thinks it’s funny
Robin Hood, Mother Goose, or the Easter Bunny
They’ve all stood his taunting and teasing, it’s true
Ugly Duckling included, and Little Boy Blue
But, times were a changing, we were to fight back
For there was that beanstalk that was grown by Jack
Who would climb it and tell the giant at the top
That the Ogre was mocking them, and it had to stop
So Jack, climbed to the top of the green stalk
Where the Giant sat dozing, all big, brawn and balk
“Jack!” He cried, “Hello my dear fellow!
Grab a seat! Take a pew! Sit down and mellow!”
“I’d love to, you know, but I’m here for a favour
I really should get back and really not waiver”
“What troubles ye so?” The Giant did frown
So, Jack told the story of the Ogre in town
The Giant, he listened and did not like much
Of what he was hearing of this Ogre and such
“Rumplestiltskin did mention him on his last visit
But talked of the Ogre’s clothes, saying they were exquisite
And Sleeping Beauty did talk of it too
Though she just kept yawning and wanting the loo
Please rest assured, my good friend Jack
You go tell the others that I’ll sort out that hack
I’ll come down just as soon as I’ve eaten
Then I’ll be heavier and the Ogre will be beaten”
Climbing back down, Jack noticed the others
Had gathered around the stalk, Dads, Kids and Mothers
To hear just what the Giant had said
Before going home to put the children to bed
As Jack was explaining, the Giant appeared
All mighty (and clean!) – A sight to be feared
In search of the Ogre, the Giant, he went
And saw Little Jack Horner, by a tree, his head bent
“Ah, Jack, me lad, what ever’s the matter”?
“It’s the Ugly Sisters, they just keep getting fatter
They take away my lovely plum tarts
And eat them in front of me! Oh, they have such cold hearts”
“You should cheer up young Little Jack Horner
For there is the Muffin Man, over in the corner
He’s measuring the Ugly Sisters around each their waist
And the tape measure’s stretching! Oh, just look at each face!
That’ll teach them to take your tarts of plum
Those tasty treats have left those sisters really glum!
You won’t have any more trouble, young Jack
You see if I’m not right, those sisters won’t be back!
I’m off now to find this terrible Ogre bully
And find out his problem, oh yes, quite fully
For he has been terrorising you poor town folk
And I won’t have it, and this isn’t a joke
I’ll sort him out, oh yes, good and proper
Messing with you lot, oh, he’ll come a cropper
And what’s that, I spy, he has hold of ole Sneezy
Also, Bad Wolf, and he’s made them quite wheezy
Stop that you Ogre, you foul mean heejee
Put down those creatures, and just leave them be
And, leave this town, for I rule this land
And I don’t take to strangers getting the upper hand
This is my territory and it always will be
We now all live together in perfect harmony
And I’m bigger than you, so you run along
Far away from here, 'cos you don’t belong
And if you backchat me, or put up a fight
I’ll sort you out properly, with my muscle and might
For I am the bigger one between you and I
And I know for certain that I’ll make you cry
So give back those lambs and you will save face
Be heading off now, 'cos you’re a disgrace
Leave here right now and don’t turn around
And never return here, or you’ll see what you’re bound”
So away walked the Ogre, his silly head bowed
By the increasing cheering of the gathering crowd
“Three cheers for the Giant!” Their noise it was loud
For the Giant, their hero, they were so very proud
Red Riding Hood, tell me, this all happened today?
“Oh yes, as I told you, ‘tis the fairy tale way!”
Sent in by: jo.hale@blueyonder.co.uk